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THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
HOW TO DRAW MUHAMMAD <http://nshima.com/2015/01/14/how-to-draw-muhammad/>
It has become apparent, following the deadly attack on the French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo, that many people are unsure of the rules governing the depiction of Prophet Muhammad. The magazine, for example, published cartoons that portrayed Muhammad in a variety of unbecoming poses, including one in which he’s not wearing clothes and another in which he’s passionately kissing a Charlie Hebdo cartoonist, the two men in a lip lock with drool running down their chins. You do not have to be a Muslim to look at such cartoons and say, “Oh no! That’s terrible!
Is kissing even allowed in Islam?”
To bring a little clarity to this issue, I decided to interview Imam Ali Khatami of Iran.
Me: “Thank you for agreeing to shed some light on this important topic. Let me begin by asking you whether kissing is permitted in Islam.”
Imam: “Yes, of course it is permitted.”
Me: “So I may kiss you?”
Imam: “You are a man, I am a man. No, we cannot kiss.”
Me: “May I kiss you on the cheek?”
Imam: “I would prefer that you do not.”
Me: “But you just told me that kissing is permitted.”
Imam: “Yes, it is permitted. But you must first get a permit.”
Me: “How do I get a kissing permit?”
Imam: “You must apply for one. The religious leaders will do a background check and determine whether you are responsible enough to kiss.”
Me: “So it is like a gun permit?”
Imam: “Yes, but you have to be more careful whom you kiss than whom you shoot.”
Me: “If I get a permit, can I kiss you?”
Imam: “I would prefer that you do not.”
Me: “Why not? It would just be a friendly kiss. Man to man, brother to brother.”
Imam: “This type of kissing is generally not permitted. If you must kiss, you must do it only after marriage.”
Me: “So we must get married first?”
Imam: “Yes. … I mean, no. Of course not.”
Me: “Would it be permissible for me to draw a picture of Muhammad kissing?”
Imam: “The Prophet Muhammad?”
Me: “Yes, can I draw a picture of him kissing?”
Imam: “No, it is forbidden to draw pictures of the Prophet. You will be severely punished. “
Me: “Any picture?”
Imam: “Yes, any picture. Drawings and paintings of the Prophet are forbidden.”
Me: “What if I draw a picture of Muhammad playing soccer and scoring a goal for Iran in the World Cup? How would you feel about that?”
Imam: “Prophet Muhammad playing football for Iran? One hundred lashes.”
Me: “What do you mean?”
Imam: “You would get 100 lashes on your backside with a whip. And you should consider yourself lucky. If you had drawn him playing for Israel, it would be 1,000 lashes.”
Me: “What about a drawing of Muhammad kissing the Quran?”
Imam: “The Quran? If he is kissing the Quran, then maybe only 10 lashes. But if he is kissing the Bible or the Torah, 10,000 lashes!”
Me: “What about a drawing of Muhammad kissing a man with saliva coming out of their mouths?”
Imam: “A drawing of Prophet Muhammad kissing … kissing …
I cannot even say such a thing.”
Me: “What would happen to me if I draw it?”
Imam (stern-faced): “Well, it would be the last thing you draw.”
Me: “You mean … you would take all my pencils away from me?”
Imam: “Not just your pencils. Your hands too.”
Me (shuddering): “My hands?”
Imam: “Yes, we would take them off.”
Me: “But it’s just a drawing. A harmless drawing.”
Imam: “A drawing of Prophet Muhammad kissing … I cannot even say it … is not harmless. It hurts the eyes of every Muslim.”
Me: “The world has almost seven billion people. How can you keep all those people from drawing Muhammad and exercising their freedom of speech?”
Imam: “It would be very hard. That is why we agree with western countries on one thing: the best policy, when it comes to people exercising their freedom of speech, is a hands-off policy.”
Me: “Are there any tips you would give me if I want to draw Muhammad without any clothes?”
Imam (stern-faced): “Without any clothes? … Yes, I have two tips. The first tip is to get a permit.’”
Me: “A drawing permit?”
Imam: “No, a kissing permit.”
Me: “Why do I need a kissing permit?”
Imam: “So you can follow the second tip: kiss all your family and friends goodbye.”
(c) Copyright 2015 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved. <a href=” http://MelvinDurai.com “>MelvinDurai.com</a>
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There are any number of Fiberals in India (Sagarika Ghose, Kavita Krishnan, Rana Ayyub, Barkha Dutt etc) whose love and concern for the good treatment of terrorists often overflows. We have also known many to file appeals for mercy or for clemency. I therefore thought reproducing this letter would help bring these Fiberals a great deal of relief in their aim to provide proper care of “misguided elements” who carry out acts of terrorism:
A Canadian female libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter correspondence. She received back the following reply:
National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called ‘Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers‘ program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint! It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his ‘attitudinal problem’ will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.
We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.’ Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbors or relatives as your house guest might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a sub human form of property thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will “recommend” as more appropriate attire. I’m sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of ‘respecting his culture and religious beliefs’ as described in your letter.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. You take good care of Ahmed and remember we’ll be watching.
Good luck and God bless you.
Minister of National Defense
PS: This letter is a hoax and not real but it provides enough food for thought for the Fiberals should they wish to take on such responsibilities.